Chief: [Larabee has a bowling ball on his hand] What's that on your hand, Larabee? Chief: [Larabee has destroyed a phone with the bowlingball stuck to his hand] Larabee, you smashed the hot-line, how am I going to get the President?
Maxwell Smart: Excuse me for laughing into your hand, Mr. Iron Face, but the plans that you're talking about happen to be on a plane on their way to a top secret location.
Maxwell Smart: Now how in the world did I end up with the same carriage I started off with? They want you to tune in on TV channel Chief: [breaks off connection] Channel 51, that's the educational spy channel. Chief: But that's blackmail, Max, you know what happens when you pay off a blackmailer? Chief: No, he comes back the next day and asks for more money. Besides, we have no guarantee that if we pay the fifty million, Pym will destroy the drug. Jarvis Pym: [about to swallow a deadly poison hidden in a secret compartment in his ring] Well, goodbye, Mr and Mrs Smart.
If you take that Sodium Calcium Chloride, I'll shove this down your throat. Not the ring, the powder. And you'll be alive again. Jarvis Pym: That's very clever of you, Mr. Smart, but I was prepared. Observe again:. If you bring me back to life, I shall take this and then I shall be permanently disposed of.
Agent Anti-pro-anti-Sodium Calcium Chloride. Jarvis Pym: Well, that's easy enough for you to say. I've run out of rings. Maxwell Smart: Suicide mission, huh chief?
Well, you've picked the right man. Maxwell Smart: You hope what, that you picked the right man or that it's a suicide mission? Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy. We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world. Maxwell Smart: [talking on his shoephone] Right, Chief. I'll with stick with him. Off and on. Maxwell Smart: [looking at a picture of Octavia] Chief, I've never seen anyone like this before. Those evil, penetrating eyes.
Cold, ruthless mouth. Deviant chin. Maxwell Smart: So that's how Octovia does it. Why, she's been right under our noses all the time, Chief, disguised as a cleaning woman. Octavia: Can't you see? People would point at us and say: disgusting. He's positive and she's negative. Chief of Control: Gentlemen, as of this moment, all members of control are on Magenta alert. Maxwell Smart: [about the Cone of Silence] You know this thing doesn't work, why do you always insist on using it?
One of the most incredible of my many incredible inventions. Maxwell Smart: As agent in charge of internal security, I can give you my personal assurance that everything is under perfect control. Maxwell Smart: [an alarm goes off as a sign reading 'Emergency' flashes red, a sign reading 'Security' blue and a sign reading 'Danger' yellow] Eh, would you settle for almost perfect? Maxwell Smart: [peeking around a corner at a organ grinder and his monkey] Recognize him?
Agent Yes! That's Agent Wow, what a disguise! Shall we question him now? Maxwell Smart: [acting as temporary Chief of Control] Hodgkins, I want the officer responsible for internal security in here on the double. Maxwell Smart: The Chief would have been here himself to welcome you, but I'm sure that he'll join us National Area Program reports [rolls eyes with relief]. Maxwell Smart: Alma, you wanna get in that converence room.
Give me one good reason why I should let you in. Maxwell Smart: I'm telling you, Chief, this was no ordinary kidnap attempt. I happen to have recognized one of those hoods as a KAOS man. Chief: Max, what would you do if you were me and an agent gave you answers like 'I can't remember,' 'I didn't notice' and 'I didn't see it?
Maxwell Smart: How about a vicious street cleaner and a toothless police dog? Maxwell Smart: [the intelligence report by way of a top secret relay rock proves inconclusive] Well, either our boys are lying down on the job, or this rock is a forgery. Savage: [addressing 99] Good evening.
I'd be honored to offer my assistance to someone so attractive. Maxwell Smart: Why thank you, but it's the lady who's interested in buying a painting. Chief of Control: [on phone] I hope you're not in Lovers Lane by yourself, it could draw attention to you. Agent [Maxwell, posing as 99's butler, places a bowl of soup with a hidden camera in front of Savage] Try the soup, Rex, I think you'll like it.
Maxwell Smart: They think just because we're on the side of good that we're soft. But what they don't know is that we're tough and hard and do a very nice job. Maxwell Smart: Hello, Chief? I'm in Lover's Lane. Listen, Chief, before I fill you in, I want you to give a message to Parker at the lab. Tell him there are a few adjustments needed on the steering wheel phone.
Every time I turn the corner, I dial the operator. Agent Max, look at that Modern sculpture. It's made out of a dented hubcap, rusted fender, tin cans, nuts and bolts and a bicycle chain.
Maxwell Smart: Yes, he's given us man's eternal struggle against the universe out of a pile of junk. Chief: Leadside is the most diabolically clever criminal we've ever run across. He's never yet made a threat that he hasn't carried out. Maxwell Smart: That's right, Chief. Like the time he stole the Star of India. Leadside: Splendid, then phase 2 is about to be completed: the destruction of Control.
There's just one thing that's disturbing me Agent It's going to take a super human brain to figure this one out, Chief. Chief: 99, we have a super human brain. All we have to do is put the question to it. Chief: Max, we've taken every precaution. We've even activated maximum security plan Omega. My gosh, we haven't used that plan, since the day that Omega was murdered!
Leadside: No, the injury to my spine is a unique one. As long as I am moving with any velocity, I'm alright, but as soon as I stand still or try to walk, I collapse. Leadside: No tricks, Mr. Smart, we have to get down to the business at hand: phase three. Maxwell Smart: And just how do you propose to phase three me, Leadside? One shot and all those Control agents will come rolling in here like oranges. Leadside: [Norman has just fallen out the window] Norman! My mother gave me Norman. Chief: We're going to have to send a man in to infiltrate that barbershop.
Now if we do it successfully, we'll be able to learn how KAOS finances their evil schemes. Chief: No Max, I don't think so. It's much more likely they get their money by robbery, extorsion and blackmail.
Maxwell Smart: You're probably right. A lot of people don't trust the market these days. Chief: It's just for a short time. I'm sure Congress will reconsider our budget cut. Page: Attention: Mister Buck Henry please claim your poodle at baggage counter.
Mister Buck Henry your poodle is waiting. I've been assigned to protect you. Maxwell Smart - Agent Yes, well, I've been guarding you ever since you got through the iron curtain. Trinka: Of course. You were on the plane with me. You were the man seated across the isle reading a magazine. Agent [moonlighting as a cabdriver] Oh, you want Control secret headquarters. If you need me Peter: Miss Trinka is a worrier. And she would only worry if she knew that we were worried.
Maxwell Smart - Private Eye: Don't give it another thought, gentlemen. I wouldn't want Trinka to worry that you were worried that she was worried. So don't worry. Maxwell Smart - Agent Yes, that's why I drove around town for three hours. No one could have possibly followed us here. What's new? Hannibal Day: [performing a radio play] That's when I picked up the knife, and threw it! Frank Ogg: Due to technical difficulties beyond our control, this half hour program is only twenty minutes long tonight.
Chief: Max, you realize that you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable. Chief: Max, let me give you a quick briefing. First of all, do you know what this is? Chief: 86, your mission is simple: find KAOS and destroy it. Get Mr. Rescue Professor Dante and get back the Inthermo. Maxwell Smart: Of course, that's it!
Rubber trash! They're using it for camouflage. Maxwell Smart: The old garbage trick, eh? That's the second time it's been pulled on me this year.
Big: [to Agent 99] I see that what your organization lacks in strategy, it more than makes up in loveliness. Maxwell Smart: You see the moment I suspected there was something wrong with this old scow, I immediately telephoned headquarters and I happen to know that at this very minute seven coastguard cutters are converging on this boat.
Dante: No, but I am familiar with the Archimedes principal of displacement of water. In which you replace only a - [Max pushes the professor overboard]. Maxwell Smart: Well, that's the end of Mr.
If only he could have turned his evil genius into Chief: Max, we're trained not to have any personal feelings. But I think you know that if I had any children, I'd like them to be like you and Fang.
Maxwell Smart: Well, with vital information like this, of course we have to, Chief. Chief: [the cone of silence is lowered over the Chief and Max] Now what did you find out?
Maxwell Smart: Now I'm gonna have this gun in my pocket at all times, so you're gonna be completely covered. Now as far as my aunt and uncle are concerned, you and I are old army buddies, have you got that? Victor: [trying to get away from Max] Well, if you'll all excuse me, I think I'll go in the kitchen, get a glass of water. Maxwell Smart: [keeping Victor covered with a gun in his pocket] I think I'll go with you, I'm a little thirsty myself. Victor: Eh, no, no, you stay here and chat with your uncle, I'll bring you a glass of water.
Maxwell Smart: No, you don't know what kind of water I like. Eh, I mean you don't know where the faucet it. Uncle Abner: In most apartments it's over the sink. Round here I wouldn't bet on it. Aunt Bertha: [concerned about Max' strange behavior] Something terrible is happening.
Uncle Abner: I know, he must be mixed up in something bad. He's either a bookmaker or a gambler. Uncle Abner: Max, take your uncle's advice: get out of the shoe business before it kills ya! Chief of Control: Max, I don't mean to suggest that you're not telling the truth, but isn't it just conceivable that this whole affair could've been a bad dream?
Maxwell Smart - Agent Absolutely not, Chief! I tell you, I saw two invisible men! Maxwell Smart - Agent You mean to tell me that you came here without the invisible ray-gun and you expect me to believe that such a silly gun exists? Well gentlemen, I'm afraid your going to have to show me. You see, I'm from Minnesota. Maxwell Smart - Agent Now that we're alone, I wanna give you a last chance to give yourselves up.
There's still time for you to take your place in society as normal, decent invisible men Maxwell Smart - Agent Well, that just about wraps it up, Haskell and Ehrlich are on the way to prison, the Chief likes Ehrlich's hat and once again the forces of virtue have triumphed over the forces of rottenness. Waiter: [grabs 86 by the lapels, lifting him off the ground] Listen bud, I don't like people to look at me funny.
Maxwell Smart: Well if you don't like the way I'm looking at ya, you're gonna hate what I'm gonna say to ya. Besides, you don't look like the type that would to to England to visit the Queen.
Maxwell Smart: Sorry gang, I don't usually bust in on people like this and squeeze their olives, but this is an emergency. Maxwell Smart: [pause] Well my dear, that may have been the costliest gulp in the course of human history. You know, all handsome and confident. Well, just take a look into the mirror, puddin'.
Maxwell Smart: Very simple. You went straight to the patient without even complaining about having to make a house call. Siegfried: Between romance und fear we could rule eight eights of the world. Ozark Annie: [Max bursts in to rescue Annie] Puddin' you're as welcome as a new rooster in a henhouse. Siegfried: What kind of nonsense is this? There are four of us and only one of him.
Put down your hands, pull out your guns. He can only shoot one of us! Maxwell Smart: Well, you fell for the old remote control self propelled spinning doorknob trick.
Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, Chief. Emilio Naharana. Isn't he the world famous ballet dancer? Maxwell Smart: Windish? One question. Just what is Immobilo and how does it work? Maxwell Smart: Now listen carefully, do exactly what I tell you, Get up very slowly and look over the drum. Do you see a dark haired man in a white suit? Maxwell Smart: Well, don't you think it would be wize to speak in a foreign language? Maxwell Smart: French?
Gosh, Chief, everybody speaks French. Why don't we speak in Swahili? Maxwell Smart: Oh, that's strange. I thought it was gi after ganga unless it came before goo. Maxwell Smart, Agent I'm being followed. Use emergency telephone plan Z.
Maxwell Smart, Agent [armed only with a water pistol] I know, I'm out of water. Maxwell Smart, Agent The Chief owes me a nickel. I'd like you to have it. Maxwell Smart, Agent No 99, the real credit belongs to these toys.
After all, we had at our disposal every fiendish and destructive plaything ever devised for the pleasure of little children. Those poor devils, all they had were real guns and bullets. Chief: [meeting on the moon] What took you so long? Do you know what time it is? Chief: Well, this is probably the last time we'll be able to have these secret meetings on the moon anyway.
Now that the astronauts have landed succesfully, there'll probably be a lot more of them coming. Maxwell Smart: Well, we really shouldn't complain, Chief, we've had it for four years. Agent [Max is about to jump and climb over a wall] I'm gonna have a baby, Max. If she's gonna go in and sing that note to break that glass, We got to get her into KAOS headquarters. Chief: That's allready been taken care of, Max.
Belasco, like all KAOS agents, is an opera lover. If my face is so well known, supposing I had it changed? Chief: Max, the recital is tomorrow night. You know how long plastic surgery takes. Tomorrow at this time it will be all over for you. Big Eddie Little: Yeah. The judge once told me that some day I'd walk the last mile. If he had told me I'd have to walk fifty miles to get to the last mile, I'd had gone straight.
Maxwell Smart: Say, that's a beautiful trophy they gave you for winning the marathon race, Larabee, you must be very thrilled. Larabee: You probably saw her wrestle lots of times on television and didn't know it. Larabee: Did you ever see Battling Biff Bannister? Big, tall, built like an ox, always wore a black hood over the face. Maxwell Smart: [on shoe phone] We're being held in a two room cabin overlooking a lake. Larabee: [on the Chief's other phone] I know that place, I was stationed near there when I was in the army.
Chief: [on his regular office phone] Max, where on our way. Big Eddie Little: Doc, Doc, no matter what the outside world may thing about me, among my peers I'm considered a well meaning, good natured slob. Big Eddie Little: Just fine, Al, just fine. And that doc Maxwell Smart: Oh, you should have used the front door, it's only a quarter. Maxwell Smart: I don't understand how this airline can stay in business when they only carry one passenger. Hester Van Hooten: First thing in the morning, let's get rid of that welcome matt out front.
Jason Van Hooten: They must never learn the secret of this house. Tonight, when they're both asleep, let's let Sebastian out of his room. Hester Van Hooten: No. You know my orders, Sebastian never leaves his attic. Except on Christmas morning. After we've opened our gifts, he gets to eat the tree. Jason Van Hooten: [check's Sebastian's attic door, which has a hole in it] He's loose.
Hogarth: Yes, it was me. I hated Rebecca, and I hated Hester. And as you can see, I wasn't to crazy about Sebastian, either. And as for Jason, he's a thief, a liar and a blackmailer. But he's my brother and I'm proud of him. Siegfried: As one bad guy to one good guy I promise you we shall meet again, Smart! Maxwell Smart - Agent The trick is stupid! Maxwell Smart: [Hymie is almost electrocuted by a booby trapped phone] Hymie! Are you alright?
Maxwell Smart: Alright, men. The eyes of the free world are on you today. So I want you to remember to keep your heads and your shorts up. I suggest, Mrs Neal, that we take a permanent leave of absence. Professor Windish: May I ask which one of these items led you to that conclusion? Maxwell Smart: dollars! Now, that's great. Now we're getting some place. Who's that from? Maxwell Smart: Hmm. That's a good idea, I'll call them on my shoe and you breathe heavily on the Chief.
Hurry, hurry, hurry. Maxwell Smart: [Chief's car won't turn over] You know, I don't claim to be an expert on these things, but I'm willing to make a large wager that I know just where the trouble is. Agent And best of all, Max, the security of our espionage school hasn't been violated. Maxwell Smart, Agent That's right, 99, there's nothing more important than security, nothing.
Why without security, none of us would be safe. Maxwell Smart, Agent No, that's the spy school, Mrs. Green's house is over there. And British.
What was Micky Mantle's batting average in ? Maxwell Smart, Agent Correct. Because if you did know, you'd be American, not British.
A new trainee can't be too careful. Maxwell Smart, Agent Are you kidding? Why, Karate happens to be one of my favorite hobbies. Why, with one perfectly timed chop of my hand I can break eight boards this thick, would you believe it, eight. All six of them. Maxwell Smart, Agent Well, there you have it, gentlemen, another wonderful theory down the drain. Maxwell Smart: Well, there was this East Himalayan traveling salesman, see, and his ox-cart broke down in front of a farm house.
Well, he went up and he knocked on the door and the farmer opened the door. And the traveling salesman said: 'Oh oh oh hey, mahu, savali naaneh'. And the farmer replied: 'Aaka maaka soo soo'. Maxwell Smart: An East Himalayan bum walked up to me on the street one day and said: 'Ana hoho uni, aha awahi tiki'. And I said - what's the punchline? Maxwell Smart: [Max checks the punchline in the East Himalayan joke book and begins to chuckle] That's very funny Dimitri.
Maxwell Smart: This is the strangest island that I've even been on. There's absolutely nothing to eat. I've been up in those trees for hours. There's no coconuts, no bananas. Maxwell Smart: 99, these footprints were made by a man six feet two and a half inches tall, two hundred and twenty four and a quarter pounds, blond hair, blue eyes, a scar on his left cheek and walked with a decided limp.
And if it's the biggest horseshoe, I'd hate to see the horse. Maxwell Smart: [a drunken sailor sits down opposite Max and starts slobbering from his glass] Careful. Some of it's getting in your mouth. Contact Man: [the informer has been mortally wounded] Drink Maxwell Smart: [Max grabs a glass of milk from a table] Here you are fellow, drink this milk. Maxwell Smart: You know Chief, I'll never forget the sound that killer made when he walked away. I'll recognize it immediately the next time I hear it.
Maxwell Smart: 99, I'm positive that this is the section of the rail that gave way. Agent I'm sure you're right, Max but look, there's not a sign of any damage. Maxwell Smart: [speaking on 99s portable hair dryer phone] Hello Chief, this is Max. Captain Groman: Mr. Smart, I can vouch for my crew. I know each man as though he were my own brother. Why, they're the pick of the scum of Europe. Maxwell Smart: Well, first of all, we had to decode that secret message you left on the porthole.
Agent You did? Well you wait until next time. I've got a humdinger. You'll never get it! Maxwell Smart: What are you talking about, 44? What good is a secret message if n one cn understand it? Agent Listen, 86, I don't have much fun on this job. There's no mingling with the glamorous passengers. No deck tennis. No gala evenings at the captain's table.
No, no, not for me. Agent I mean, a spy can only take so muuch. Funnels and portholes and sleeping in the cargo hold. Hiding, always hiding. I want to come in from the cold.
Captain Groman: [Max is surprised to find out the Captain has a wooden leg] What's the matter sir, what are you staring at? Is it my leg? Maxwell Smart: No, I've seen legs before. It's that wooden job I'm looking at. Captain Groman: Ah yes, a souvenir of my younger years when I was still a lad. Maxwell Smart: Of course.
The old gun in the peg leg trick. That's the second time I've fallen for it this year. Maxwell Smart: I don't know what you're selling 99, but I'll take two of each. Chief: Now remember, now that we know that KAOS is in possession of the stolen plans, what we have to find out is how they intend to smuggle them out of the country and when.
Maxwell Smart: Yes. Well, what you're saying, Chief is that now that we know how, all we have to do is find out who, when and where.
Chief: If it's going by boat, it's probably going to Richelieu's salon in Beirut, which is a safe port. Every episode was a revolving door of evildoers. This was, after all, the Cold War, and while Get Smart was hardly a political comedy it was proof Hollywood could produce something other than cloying family sitcoms - or programs whose silliness could be endearing, but which was only an end in itself. Gilligan's Island , whose star Bob Denver died this month, cornered that market.
Max was more: a spoof not just of the burgeoning Bond franchise, but a sign that Cold War America could laugh at itself. That's the only way to keep peace in the world. But it succeeded because it was simply hysterical, and whatever the skills of his co-stars, Get Smart was nothing without Adams. He'd come to it in , a moderately successful comedian at Impressed by the pedigree of the writers - Mel Brooks and Buck Henry - Adams leapt at it, then never escaped.
The role won him three Emmys in five years and lifelong public affection, but this was typecasting of the first order. He could never be seen as anything other than Max. In his other notable role - as the voice of Inspector Gadget - he was invisible.
But Adams never shunned his alter ego, even when attempts to revive the phenomenon on film and television failed. It would have been a losing battle. He was too well loved. Adams is gone at 82, from a lung infection, but he will always bungle on - demanding the cone of silence, talking on his shoe phone, jamming his nose in that door in the closing credits.
Forever stupid, he will be forever Smart. And, like the rest of us … loving it. Agent 99 has an even more mysterious past than Agent Calculating from a first meeting in gives a birth year of He was The cause was a lung infection, his friend and former agent Bruce Tufeld said, according to The Associated Press. Tufeld said that Mr.
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